Pushing Back Against Shame
Open Minds Group Aug 2021 - Pushing Back Against Shame
Here in the UK it’s LGBTQ+ Pride season and we wanted to use this month’s group to think about how we push back against shame and nurture our pride.
Pride and shame are sometimes thought of as being two sides to the same coin but things are probably a bit more complicated than that. We usually learn about pride and shame by watching the actions of others and this can be a problem for LGBTQ+ indviduals of colour as it’s much harder to find role models who understand our point of view and that can teach us how to feel pride about our LGBTQ+ identities.
At August’s group we heard moving stories from members of the group about how they have worked to reduce the toxic impact of their childhood and family situations to rebuild themselves as happier and more proud individuals. We all talked about how we learnt to feel shame about our LGBTQ+ identities when we were growing up. Sometimes this was in the words that people used to talk about us or other LGBTQ+ people and sometimes it was in the actions that people took around us or other LGBTQ+ people.
It’s very difficult to be around this kind of energy and it can affect our mental and physical health. It can also be lifethreatening and we recognised that this risk is still very real for a lot of people. We grieved about how these challenges have meant that some of us have had to cut ourselves off from our families to start safer and healthier lives away from their influence. We also celebrated the joy that they have managed to achieve through these hardships as they now live more authentic and fuller lives.
For some of us, things were more mixed and our families have been able to support us and fight for us when needed. They have encouraged us to live our lives authentically and reminded us that people don’t always react in the way we might expect them too.
Our experiences of attending LGBTQ+ Pride events has been mixed. We enjoyed being in spaces where our LGBTQ+ identity wasn’t a problem, but also felt sadness at the general lack of diversity at the events. For some of us this made us feel invisible in wider LGBTQ+ cultures.
“Living my truth fills me with fear and shame but I feel pride being with you guys”
One of our group members talked about how they are trying to show more of their LGBTQ+ identity in their lives. They said that living their truth fills them with fear and shame, but that it is also helping them feel more proud too. They talked about how being at the Open Minds group has helped them feel like there is hope that things will get easier and that they really appreciated hearing the stories of other people.
If pride was a plant, it would be something that we need to sow and look after with care. It needs enough sunlight and water to make sure it grows strong and healthy. Shame grows in the darkness, without water and if you don’t keep it in check, it will spread like a weed.
So this month we ask you to take a look at your garden of shame and pride and have a think about whether it needs some work. Who planted the shame in your garden and is it time to pull out some of those weeds and replace them with something you can be proud of? If you need some ideas about what to plant, come to one our groups where you can connect with other people like you who can show you the way.
We meet on the last Wednesday of each month and if you want to join us at an Open Minds Meeting, please visit the Events page on our website.
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