The Shame Game

Did you ever have that childhood experience where a relative tries to give you money as a gift, you take it and your parents immediately snatch it from you to give it back? The relative always refuses to take the money back and most times your parents take it anyway.

On one occasion,  I took the money and ran upstairs to my room. I could hear my parents apologising to the relatives and I quickly started to feel shame for what I’d done. I learnt that even if you plan to take the gift, it’s important to refuse a gift several times before accepting it, otherwise you look greedy. This was one of the first times that I became aware of the Shame Game.

Shame is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we get when we realise we’ve done something we shouldn’t have. We learn the rules for shame when we’re growing up and most of the time this learning is done by listening to and watching the people that raise us.

Unfortunately, for lots of us shame is probably the first thing that we felt when we realised we were part of the LGBTQ+ family. I learnt from watching the adults around me that being gay and not getting married to a woman was something I should automatically feel shame for. This led me to hide my sexuality for many years and caused me a lot of unnecessary unhappiness.

Feeling ashamed for how you love or make sense of your gender or sexuality isn’t useful and can be toxic. Shame is painful and it’s bad for our bodies and minds to be constantly carrying it around. 

We don’t have to play the shame game when it comes to our LGBTQ+ -ness. With practice you can learn to recognise negative thoughts, to let them go and to use techniques like mindful breathing to help the thoughts melt away.

Counselling is another way to unpick and throw out shame and guilt. If you can, find a therapist that you trust and that understands your cultural situation too.

Most importantly, find spaces and people that will accept you for what you are, and read the stories of people who have travelled similar journeys to you.

The journey to self-acceptance takes one step at a time. Refusing to play the Shame Game will help you get there a lot quicker.  

Kuljit
The Open Minds Project