‘My Story’ Part 2 - Coming Out (The First Time…)
“Whilst I wasn’t struggling with accepting myself internally, the struggle to gain acceptance from others is a reality all gay men and women have to face.”
I have chosen to stay anonymous in this story as I am still working through some challenges with my family. I am also still in the process of inviting in other important people into this part of my life and want to focus on this first.
I am hoping one day very soon I will be able to share my identity and put my name to my story. This is part 2 of 4.
Part 2: Coming out (the first time…)
I knew that I needed to start taking steps towards becoming comfortable sharing the part of my life which I had hidden away for so long. I needed to share my sexuality and when I had made up my mind I needed to do it I knew who the first person I was going to share it with was. But I had no idea where or how I was going to.
In April 2015, a group of friends and I were heading to Thailand for one of our close friends' weddings. We spent some time travelling around the country before heading to Krabi for the wedding where other friends joined us. It had been such a great trip and we were getting towards the end of it. I remember feeling really relaxed and in a really positive place.
The first night of the wedding kicked off. It was welcome drinks outdoors. Towards the end of the night after quite a few drinks, I was stood next to a fan with my best mate trying to cool down and I said to her, next week when it’s just you and I in Singapore there’s something really important I need to talk to you about. She wanted me to tell her then but I told her it wasn’t the right time and we left it at that.
The wedding finished a few days later and I headed off to Singapore. My friend’s travel plans changed at the last minute so she was going to join me there a couple of days later. I arrived and had a day to myself just walking around the city. But all I could think about that day was how do I tell her. I spent all day thinking about it mentally exhausting myself but not really coming to any conclusions. In the end I just resigned to the fact that we were both drunk and she probably won’t remember so I won’t have to do it. Who was I kidding?
So she arrived the next day. We sat in the hotel room catching up on the wedding and then headed out. While we were out walking she remembered and asked me to share with her what I wanted to speak to her about. I tried to brush it off and said it was nothing but she very firmly told me to tell her what it was. I asked her to give me some time to think about it.
We carried on walking for ages and ended up at the Marina Bay Sands Hotel. We grabbed a drink in the bar and sat down. It was now or never really and knowing my friend I knew she wasn’t going to let it go so I knew I couldn’t delay it any longer. By this point I’d thought a little bit about what I was going to say.
“As I started to speak I realised I wasn’t able to say the words “I’m gay.” I just couldn’t vocalise it. It was like something was holding my lips tightly shut not allowing me to say the words.”
It totally caught me off guard and something I wasn’t expecting. There was silence for a few minutes. I then said, “I don’t really know how to tell you what I want to tell you, but I think if I describe the version of events that have led me to this moment, I think you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.” I went on to describe all the feelings I’d had in recent years about not feeling like I could truly be myself around people. Which led on to me describing a situation I had found myself in with a guy a few weeks earlier. A guy who didn’t want to acknowledge me in the presence of others. I obviously wasn’t comfortable with anyone knowing I was gay at the time so it’s not like I wanted us to be holding hands or anything. But that feeling of humiliation and like I was being used really hurt. It went really deep within me and was something I carried with me for a very long time. It was painful but what made it so much harder was not being able to share that with anyone.
The trip to Thailand was coming up and so that was a distraction which I used to block it out. But something within me changed having gone through that experience. I said to myself that I didn’t want to hide myself from the people closest to me anymore. I didn’t want to deny myself the chance to feel their love and support through tough times like the one I was going through. Why am I doing this to myself? I knew it was impacting my relationships and I didn’t want going through a struggle on my own to force me to distance myself from the people around me in my life who were the closest to me.
It was going through that experience that pushed me to tell my best friend. I knew all I would get from her was love, acceptance, kindness and all the support in the world. I knew that in my heart for a long time. So why did it take me all those years and a horrible experience with a guy as the trigger to tell her.
Looking back, I now understand it was because I didn’t want it to be real. Whilst I wasn’t struggling with accepting myself internally, the struggle to gain acceptance from others is a reality all gay men and women have to face. I knew deep down that the minute I opened that door the battle for acceptance was about to begin. At least it felt like it was going to be a battle at that point. It wasn’t something I could hide away from or deny any longer. My whole life was going to change. Was it something I was ready for? I don’t think I was. But carrying on with the status quo wasn’t an option either.
Thank you for reading my story.
Anonymous
