‘My Story’ Part 3 - Creating a Safe Space
“By inviting them into the part of my life that I had hidden for so long and allowing them to support me on that journey, we have formed bonds that mean we will be friends for life.”
I have chosen to stay anonymous in this story as I am still working through some challenges with my family. I am also still in the process of inviting in other important people into this part of my life and want to focus on this first.
I am hoping one day very soon I will be able to share my identity and put my name to my story. This is part 3 of 4.
Part 3: Creating a safe space
Having told my best friend I felt instant relief. I was walking on clouds for weeks after that. I felt a shift within me that I was in a much happier place. In the months that followed there were many firsts I went through. First time going on dating apps. First time going on a date with a guy. First time going to a gay bar. With any first, there is a feeling of apprehension, nerves and insecurity. I was way out of my comfort zone but wanted to stay there. The thought of taking any kind of a step back filled me with the dread of ending up back in the ‘closet’ and I wasn’t prepared to take myself back there.
Things carried on like this for about a year. I became more and more comfortable being around gay men, going to gay bars and stopped looking over my shoulder as much. What started off as being quite uncomfortable became a lot more natural over time. However, the more guys I went on dates with and spoke to made me realise how naive I was and how much catching up I had to do so to speak. I was in my mid 20s at this point and it was the first time I was experiencing the ‘gay scene’ as its referred to. I was just going with the flow.
A year after I told my best friend in Singapore, I was on a night out with a whole bunch of people I went to uni with. It was the first time I had seen a lot of them in a very long time. They weren’t all close friends but they were people I knew. We were in a club in soho and it was turning out to be a great night. Half way through the night, a guy came over to me. Things turned a little flirty very quickly and he offered to buy me a drink. I panicked at that moment. Here I was stood in a club surrounded by all these people non of who knew I was gay. Were they going to find out if I went and had a drink at the bar with this guy? Are they all watching us chatting to each other now? These are all things that went through my mind and I abruptly said no to the offer of a drink and ended the conversation.
I was immediately frustrated and annoyed with myself. I got my phone out and started texting my best mate who wasn’t there telling her what happened. As we were texting back and forth I started to realise what I had done in that moment. I had taken a small step back towards hiding my true identity. That thought made me even more annoyed at myself. I started an internal dialogue with myself asking myself questions like why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you taking yourself back there? You’re not doing anything wrong? Why aren’t you allowing yourself the chance to just have a chat with a guy? Why is everyone else allowed to but you’re not? And in that moment I decided I was going to tell another one of my close friends who was there that night. I told her over text that I was going to do it. She said to do it if I felt comfortable but to be aware that I had been drinking and that alcohol was the devil. It was solid advice and whilst I was a little drunk I felt very aware of what I was about to do.
So I went up to my mate and said do you want to go outside. So we headed out to chat. Here I was again about to tell someone else who was close to me that I’m gay but having not put any thought in to it. I don’t remember the whole conversation but I recall saying “there is something I want to tell you and I don’t think this is going to be a huge surprise to you. I’m gay.” It was the first time I had spoken the words “I’m gay.” Having not been able to say those words a year earlier I couldn’t believe they just came out so easily. His response was “I know.” We then chatted a bit and then headed back inside. The next day he sent me a really nice text message. I reflected on the moment and realised that it was so much easier than a year earlier and gave myself a little pat on the back for actually saying the words I’m gay.
After that conversation I sat down and had a think about who else did I want to sit down and make a point of having a conversation with. I thought hard about what my intention behind telling them would be. I knew I wanted to create room in my life for me to have some space where I could truly be myself and not have to hide who I was. So I listed out three other close friends who I hadn’t yet told and concluded that they were the ones I needed to share my sexuality with to ensure I was able to be truly myself. I hadn't figured out when I was going to tell them. I assumed when the opportunity presented itself I would just know.
That summer I was given the opportunity to head to Australia for a few months for work. I grabbed it with both hands. Before leaving I went for drinks with my friends one night and took another friend to the side and told him that night.
I met some great people in the office as soon as I arrived in Australia including a Welsh guy and a Scottish girl. We hit it off from the get go and spent a lot of time together. They made a lot of effort to make me feel welcome and make sure I was having a great time. We bonded pretty quickly.
A few weeks in I was working away on the gold coast with the welsh guy. We were in our hotel working late one night and in the conversation he asked me if I’m gay. It totally caught me off guard. I panicked and said no. Nobody in the office in London knew still and I knew he knew people there and I didn’t want it getting back to them. So in the moment I panicked and said no. Those feelings I’d felt in the club in soho a few months earlier came rushing back. Frustration and annoyance at myself. I was having such a great time over there and didn’t want this to be a dark cloud hanging over the rest of my experience. I resolved in those few moments I couldn’t not correct myself.
“We were sat there tapping away on our laptops and there was an awkward silence for a few minutes which I broke. I looked up and simply said, “I lied when I said I wasn’t gay. I am gay.“
But nobody in the office in London knows. So you must keep this to yourself and not tell anyone.” He said he understood and thanked me for telling him. We had a brief conversation following that and he told me about a few others guys in the office who were gay who I may want to connect with.
It was quite late so I took myself off to bed. When I got into my hotel room I was overcome with emotion. Feelings of guilt and disappointment took over. I was disappointed in myself that I had said no the first time he asked me. Having taken steps over the last 15 months or so to become more comfortable with being openly gay and being quite pleased with myself, I realised in that moment how uncomfortabe I really still was. It was hard to accept and comprehend how far I still had to go. How much of the mountain I still had to climb. It was a proverbial slap in the face. A reality check. I cried myself to sleep that night.
A few weeks after that another one of my close friends was flying out to Australia to see me. I decided I was going to tell her when she got there. The days leading up to it I was itching for her to get there so I could just tell her. Having momentarily lied about it a few weeks earlier, I think subconsciously I wanted to take as many steps as possible to avoid that kind of a situation again. She arrived at my apartment in the evening. We were going to head out for dinner but before we left we went on to the balcony. I said, I want to share something with you. You’re only the fourth person from our group of friends back home who knows about this so please don’t share this with anyone. I don’t think it’s going to be a surprise when I tell you this but I’m gay. She smiled and gave me a hug and was massively supportive. We even took a selfie to mark the moment.
That Friday the two of us and a few others from the office were going on a night out including the welsh guy and scottish girl. We met at a rooftop bar for drinks beforehand before heading on to a club. At the bar I told, the Scottish girl I met. She was one of the first people I met when I arrived and we had grown close and it felt right in the moment.
Those few months being away in Australia helped me to find a space where I could go about my whole life truly being myself and not having to hide who I really was. It was the first time I experienced what life is really like being openly gay at work and around friends outside of work. I went on dates with guys and was able to walk around holding hands without feeling uncomfortable or being worried about being seen. It felt great.
I came back to London and Christmas was around the corner. I still had one of my close friends left to tell and I wanted to do it before the end of the year so that I could start the new year being free in this safe space I wanted for myself. So one night when we were out for drinks I took him to one side and told him. Again, I got all the support in the world.
In the new year I carried on working in the office still not sharing my sexuality with anyone. Six months later I decided to leave the company as I wanted my career to go in a different direction. When I started my new job I made a conscious decision that I wasn’t going to hide my sexuality. But how do I bring it up and tell people I asked myself. I sat and thought about all the times I had told my friends to date. I realised that in each of those moments I hadn’t really planned to do it. I just paid attention to how I felt and when it felt right and when the right moment presented itself, I told them.
Starting a new job can be daunting and given it was a slight career shift I put a lot of my effort into being diligent at work and making sure I was performing at my best. As those early months passed by and I became more and more comfortable, I realised that I was just going in to work everyday being myself in a way that I hadn’t done so far in the five years that I had been working. I was more open talking about my personal life and just felt different and more comfortable. I can’t put my finger on something specific I did differently. I just felt different. It’s hard to put into words. I realised I had created another safe space for myself. If I was to divide my life up into two halves, the half that was my safe space was getting larger. And it felt great.
Looking back on this part of my journey, creating a safe space wasn’t something I consciously set out to do. I didn’t even realise it was happening at the time. Only when I look back now have I come to that realisation. But having that space really allowed me to become more comfortable with being myself across different parts of my life. It allowed me to learn about myself and how I feel about talking about my sexuality in the different situations which life puts you in. Spending more and more time in my safe space allowed me to grow into more of myself and understand that it’s ok to be me. It allowed me to make mistakes and learn from them and think about how I would do things differently.
It also allowed me to share those experiences with the friends around me so I didn’t ever feel like I was alone and in doing that allowed me to form deeper and more meaningful friendships with them. When I think about how my friendship with each of the five friends who I’ve made a point of coming out to has evolved over time, our friendship before pales in comparison to what we have now. By inviting them into the part of my life that I had hidden for so long and allowing them to support me on that journey, we have formed bonds that mean we will be friends for life.
Thank you for reading my story.
Anonymous
