‘My Story’ Part 4 - Time to Get Serious
“At each stage of my journey, I knew I was ready to take the next step because I felt it within me. Or something happened which caused me to feel that I was ready.”
I have chosen to stay anonymous in this story as I am still working through some challenges with my family. I am also still in the process of inviting in other important people into this part of my life and want to focus on this first.
I am hoping one day very soon I will be able to share my identity and put my name to my story. This is part 4 of 4.
Part 4: Time to get serious
My safe space meant I was able to get on with life and spend more and more time being me. Things at work were going great. I was travelling and going on great holidays with friends. We would regularly be out drinking on a Friday or Saturday night. Some of our friends got married. Life was fun and full of laughs and I was generally living life somewhat care free on the face of it. But throughout all of that I was feeling like there was a dark cloud hovering over my head and as time went on it became more and more present and harder to shut out.
I needed to tell my family. The thought of having to sit my parents down and tell them I’m gay terrified me beyond belief. It would give me anxiety, make my heart race and at times I would feel like I can’t breathe. There were days at work when I would have to suddenly get up from my desk and leave the building to just feel like I was able to breathe.
Throughout all of this I was lucky enough to have great friends around me who I could count on for support and who were always there for me. I was able to speak to them openly about how I was feeling, share with them my fears and they were able to offer me advice and a different perspective. However, amongst all of that I still felt incredibly lonely. I knew deep down this was a journey I was going to have to go on on my own. I’d taken some big leaps forward over the past 5 years and life had become comfortable. However, the longer I put off telling my parents, I could feel myself slowly moving backwards in all of the progress I had made. It was a horrible feeling. Those feelings of being suppressed, trapped and not being able to truly be myself were becoming more and more overwhelming.
Whilst I was still lucky enough to have my safe space, it just wasn’t feeling like it was enough anymore. Living at home with my parents was becoming increasingly challenging both mentally and physically. As I entered my late 20s, the conversation of marriage would come up more and more frequently. I would refuse to engage in the conversation which they found difficult to accept. I could understand their point of view. Their son doesn’t want to talk to them about a major life event like marriage. It must have been difficult for them. It’s something I had a huge amount of empathy for which in turn resulted in overwhelming feelings of guilt. I felt like I was constantly disappointing them and tarnishing all of their hopes and dreams. The burden became more and more heavy to carry on a daily basis.
My anxiety grew more and more to the point where I was always on edge being at home. Not knowing when they would next raise the subject of marriage made me constantly feel nervous. I would avoid being in a room alone with them in case they brought it up which meant we stopped doing simple things together like having dinner or watching a movie. I was moving away from them more and more. I knew it was happening and that filled me with even more guilt. I would cry alone in my room sometimes feeling like a terrible son. Like I was a huge disappointment but at the same time worry that somebody may come in and see me crying and I wouldn’t know what to say.
I decided I needed to move out and find my own space. At the beginning of 2020 I reserved a new build apartment near to my parents house that would be ready to move in to by the summer. However, things at work had taken a turn for the worse and I ended up resigning from my job. The job insecurity meant I couldn’t go ahead with the purchase and so I pulled out from buying the apartment.
My parents, brother and I had booked flights to go to India at the start of the year. My parents and brother were flying out before and I was to finish up work and join them a couple of days later. I had decided that I was going to tell them in India. However, at the time the covid-19 pandemic was escalating and by the time my flight came around, India had closed it’s borders and so I wasn’t able to join them. My parents and brother had already left and I was stuck here.
I’d prepared myself to do it (or at least I thought I had done) and I was going to do it before my 30th birthday and enter that new phase of my life with a clean slate. That’s the picture I’d built up in my head. But now the whole plan that I’d made in my head was ruined. What was I going to do?
A few weeks earlier, a friend of mine had mentioned The Open Mind Project to me and put me in touch with Kuljit. So while I was here alone, I dropped Kuljit a text asking if he would be kind enough to have a chat with me to help me figure out a new plan so to speak. We arranged a time to have a phone call and I explained the situation I was in. It felt so great to be able to share how I was feeling with somebody who I knew would understand having gone through a similar experience. He gave me some very simple but practical things to think about and prepare myself for. Things like making sure I had a friend's place to stay at in case I needed some space for example. Were there any other people in my family I could lean on for support like my cousins? Or mentally preparing myself for some of the things they might say given it will be a huge shock for them. But the most valuable piece of advice Kuljit gave me was to think about the language I would use in that conversation. These were all things I hadn’t actually thought about which made me realise I wasn’t prepared to tell them at all. Turns out it was a good thing I wasn’t able to make it out to India after all.
I was dreading living at home during lockdown out of fear that my anxiety and those feelings of being trapped would get worse. But I knew I couldn’t run away, which now when I look back that’s exactly what I was doing by buying that apartment. The lockdown period at home turned out to be ok. I kept thinking how nice it was to be at home surrounded by family rather than alone in an apartment which could have been the alternative. It also gave me a lot of time to think about the future. I knew I couldn’t continue like this. I had to tell them. But unlike all the other people I had told so far, I needed a plan.
I decided I wasn’t strong enough to do it all by myself and that I needed some allies. So I thought about which of my cousins I could tell who I knew would support me and have my back. When the lockdown eased up over the summer, I put a date in the diary to meet with them. I simply told them that I’ve spent years hiding a part of myself and I don’t want to lie and do that anymore. That they are some of the closest people to me and I wanted to be honest with them. I was a little nervous doing it but not really as I knew they would only be supportive. I also explained how challenging it would be to tell my mum and dad and that part of the purpose behind telling them was so I could count on their support. They all told me that they would support me 100%. It was massively reassuring and felt like a small weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Whilst I had already had a similar conversation many times over by telling my friends over the years, telling family is certainly a very different experience. But I was fortunate enough to have cousins who I knew I could count on.
A few months passed and we started getting closer and closer to the end of the year. I spent that time thinking even more about the future and the kind of life I wanted to have for myself. I would spend a lot of timing visualising it in my head. The more I visualised the kind of future I wanted, the more determined and driven I was to take action to make it a reality. Leaving things as they were wasn’t going to get me there. I had to find the courage to tell them.
I would go for long walks and think long and hard about how I wanted to do it. Would I tell Mum and Dad together or just one of them? Would I do it alone or have someone there for support? What words would I use when I told them? How do I start the conversation? How do I tell them to keep the time free without them getting suspicious or worried? I gave myself time to find the answers to each of these questions and the way I did that was just staying connected with how I felt. Ultimately I went with what felt right.
I decided to tell my Mum on her own and have one of my cousins there to support me. I realised I wasn’t brave enough to tell both of them together. A few days before I was going to do it I asked my Mum to keep Saturday afternoon at 4pm free because there was something I wanted to speak to her about. I knew my cousin was free then so asked her to come over as well.
I woke up that morning feeling sick. Like the feeling I used to get the morning of an exam except 100 times worse. I didn’t feel like eating anything. My mind was so preoccupied. In the afternoon I went for a long walk to try and clear my head and go over the script in my head. I thought I would talk myself out of it but to my surprise those thoughts just didn’t enter my head even though I was so full of fear. There were moments during that walk I could feel my legs shaking with fear and I would have to stop and calm myself down before carrying on. I knew it was something I had to do. Turning back now wasn’t an option. I got home just before 4pm and my cousin then arrived.
My Mum, my cousin and I sat down. Just the three of us. I was looking down. My mind went blank all of a sudden and I just didn’t know what to say. My mum asked me what I wanted to speak about. I started to speak and my voice was shaking. I said that there is something I want to tell you and that it has taken me a lot of strength and courage to get to a place where I feel like I can tell you this. But I don’t want to lie about things anymore. And then I just stopped speaking. My Mum then asked me what it was. She then said is it that you don’t want to get married. To which I replied I can’t get married to a woman. She then said why not. I was silent. And after a brief pause she asked me, are you gay? To which I replied yes.
I don’t feel comfortable to share the details of how the conversation continued. Some of the things that were said were difficult to hear which I think was a combination of shock and naivety. After about 30 minutes my Mum said she needed some time alone to think and walked off. My cousin and I sat there chatting for a while. After about an hour we both went downstairs. As soon as I stepped into the living room and saw the look on my Dad’s face, I knew my Mum had told him. I felt a bit of relief to be honest as it meant that I didn’t have to. We had dinner together that evening and then I had an early night and went to bed.
The next day there was an awkward atmosphere in the house. We had some new furniture arriving so my dad and I unpacked that and put it together. In the afternoon, my Mum told me that my Dad wanted to speak to me in the evening. We sat down after dinner just the three of us. Again I don’t feel comfortable sharing the details of the conversation but it was incredibly difficult. I wasn’t prepared for some of the things they said and some of them genuinely shocked me as I didn’t ever believe that they held those views. I had a panic attack part way through and had to calm myself down. In the end I just had to leave the house. It was 10pm on a Sunday night and I got in my car and drove to see my best mate and just sat in the car and cried. In that moment I felt like my whole world was falling apart and I just didn’t see a way forward.
“In the days following I shared with my friends and cousins that I had told my parents and explained how it went. I was given huge amounts of love and support from all of them which is something I really needed at the time.”
In the days following I shared with my friends and cousins that I had told my parents and explained how it went. I was given huge amounts of love and support from all of them which is something I really needed at the time. I also gave myself time to think about what I had done and to try and process their reaction. Whilst it wasn’t the reaction I had hoped for, it was one I should have expected. I think I was naive to think it would have gone any differently to how it did. That time and understanding helped give me time to process and understand their reaction which in turn helped calm my feelings of hurt and anger.
As hard as it was for me to tell them I had taken the best part of 15 years to prepare myself for that moment and everything that entailed from acceptance right through to the moment I told them. How could I expect them to accept it so quickly? They need time to go on their own journey of acceptance and it’s only fair that I give them the opportunity to do that. We have a lot to work through but in time I’m hopeful we’ll get there.
I hope that by sharing my story, I am able to help anyone who is currently struggling to find the courage to truly be themselves around those that are closest to them. The biggest piece of advice I can give to anyone in that position is listen to how you feel and allow that to guide you on the way forward. At each stage of my journey, I knew I was ready to take the next step because I felt it within me. Or something happened which caused me to feel that I was ready. Don’t put pressure on yourself to feel like you must do it within a certain time scale. And do not allow others who may be further along their journey to pressure you into feeling like you have to move quicker than you are ready to. You’ll feel it within you when you are ready.
I came out to my parents at the age of 30 which I feel is later than most. However, I have no regrets about how long it took me. Because the experiences I went through to get me there have shaped me to be the man I am today. It has given me strength, self belief, resilience and the courage to step out of my comfort zone in so many areas of my life which is now allowing me to grow into more of who I am supposed to be.
Another thing I have come to realise is that coming out doesn’t just stop with your family, friends or work colleagues. It’s a choice I will have to make over and over again throughout my life. Whenever I meet someone new and they assume I’m straight, at that moment I have to make a decision about whether I correct them or not. It’s not something that comes very naturally to me yet. But I know I’m getting there.
Thank you for reading my story.
Anonymous
