Sunny’s Story - Part 1
Part 1 - Growing up Gay and Punjabi
As with most things, this story starts with sex - or at least me having some awareness of it. Sexual maturity usually comes with puberty, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t know or understand attraction from an earlier age. We are biologically programmed to appreciate youth and beauty. My first flush of this came to me in primary school.
His name was Andrew, a tall attractive teaching assistant. I just remember staring at him a lot - and then at night, thinking about him. I couldn’t imagine us having sex - because I was too young to understand the ins and outs of it, so to speak. I did, however, imagine us sleeping in the same bed, next to one another. That’s what people did right? I wasn’t sure where babies came from either, but I knew that a man and woman needed to be under a duvet and naked.
Thanks to Andrew, that was it, my mind was made up. I knew I liked men. With time, the fascination extended to Bollywood stars, Blue Peter presenters and X-Men. It was before the internet or smartphones.
During high school act and behave differently to other boys. I knew this was part of my personality, but I tried my very best to suppress it as no one wants to stand out for the wrong reasons. People just thought I was a shy and quiet child.
I enjoyed drama and the arts - but often curtailed my self-expression. My voice didn’t break until a bit later, so I avoided a lot of public speaking - much to my own disappointment, as my Aries fire burned strongly and I was actually fearless and proactive by nature. I wanted to be outspoken and carefree but didn’t have the self-confidence to share this public persona.
My self-consciousness haunted me for several years and I think ultimately led me to perform badly in interviews and workplaces. As much as I tried to disguise any behaviour that might be considered overly effeminate or camp - I had the feeling that the people I knew best would still know. At school, things didn’t extend beyond name-calling, but it was enough for me to feel the hurt. This is something I’ve forgotten now, but at some point, I think I will have to address it. Things are different today, the freedom to carry any label is the norm with gen-z, but at the time I wanted no labels at all.
In some respects, high school hardened me and I became focused on channeling my frustration into my schoolwork. I ended up doing really well academically. Sadly, I flunked my Oxford interview and ended up in Birmingham instead. I was still processing this sudden displacement of expectations and the rejection when I started at university…
